My two Paise on a current “affair”

First, a few words of (s)advice. Allow me to help you – the (d)reader – to lower your hearbeats. Yes, it's true. There, I cleared the pollution... air, rather. Now don't start rubbing your eyes. Don't pinch yourself. Don't jump out of your chair, commode or any other surface where your gluteus maximus are resting on at this point of time. Don't howl out frantically and call your friends or family toward your computer screen. I know it's a rarity; like a diamond glittering from the rough of frivolous and trite bloggers haranguing the cyberspace, jostling for fame and pennies from accidental hits on Google Adverts. It may take time to sink in, I can understand but don't ever think you're all alone. I was gasping for breath myself, and I'm not somebody who gets impressed by any one-penny, two-penny literature, mind you. It's nothing unusual to be a fan, or a worshipper of this very incredible Uniform Resource Locator. That the latest offering from the arcane shelf – of yours truly – will raise or even rip-out eyebrows, make people stand up, and take notice, create flutters and even trigger windfall sales for HP, Canon and other printer manufacturers by sudden depletion of ink cartridges resulting from multiple prints of this post, will not be an overstatement. Your Sunday afternoon is taken care of, for sure. It's one to tell your grandchildren, alright. Your sojourn at the world's most frequented blog for non-content-reading-related purposes is about to commence.

 

The topic I'm about to begin my discerning analysis with is one which wasn't quite covered in depth by the mainstream media over the past month. It's a wedding that took place among a Cricketer from India's most friendly country and an Indian tennis star featuring in ITF's apocryphal list of 'Top Three Women Players of All Time Who Got Famous for No Fucking Reason' along with . The wedding which took place bereft of any controversy or an iota of doubt about the two parties being ever involved in previous betrayals... or betrothals, for that matter, left one tiny but potentially significant bit of information which may leave the future of mankind in serious doubt. The fact that the Cricketer-bridegroom in focus had a semen stained cloth left over at his first night-encounter with his former wife. Some wife who preserves such things. But as the saying goes, mementoss come in all forms, sizes and spots. That former wife of his, who never went out to the media with it, handed it over to the Police as evidence of their association. Mr. Cricket, here, has obviously not read this blogger's best seller 'Phani's Code for Clean Sex' or PCCS – its popular acronym. Such irresponsible acts are bound to have serious implications on progeny-creating habits of his millions of followers across his country and his wife's. His "miss" has been taken advantage of by his ex-"miss". In Cricket they say 'Catches win matches', as we can clearly see, they win lawsuits too! It's obvious that his coach never really gave him some "hitting" practice. Neither at the stumps nor at their gaps. His throws ran out his million strong tiny swimmers who plunged to death in the process. They bit the dust... on the pillow cloth. Given how clear it is that he didn't use protection that fortuitous night, it'll be fair to say that he never even got a good share of "Net" practice. This was one Cricketer who was definitely caught in a Monica Lewinsky moment. His cynics say this is where the similarity with Bill Clinton ends. But while Bill survived impeachment, our Cricketer has a year long break, thanks to the genius of his Cricket board, to reflect on his actions. Sources say he's contemplating becoming a private ball boy to his to-be. That way he can get to be with her wherever she goes for tournaments and as long as she stays there. Given her talent, I'm guessing that won't be more than a day or two.

 

We all live in a hope that this carelessness of his doesn't rub off on to others in whose hands (or other parts) lie the future of the sub-continent.

 

You can breathe... now.

domain-b.com : Rin versus Tide: The limits to comparative advertising

Something on the Rin's provocative recent AD

domain-b.com : Rin versus Tide: The limits to comparative advertising

On the Delhi Metro accident

Had this been any Minister or MoS who'd have resigned after some incident under his or her portfolio, everyone would've quickly insinuated the move as a political gimmick as the MP knows he or she will be re-elected and be able to retain their office (as Sonia Gandhi did in 2006 over the office-of-profit issue only to win the by-election by a whopping 4 lakh votes!) or have their resignation rejected by the PM. This enables the MP to ascend a high level of moral ground while retaining his or her portfolio. Left to themselves, our politicians would own up to nothing! They'd resign only after public disgust vehemently comes out in the open, as during the days after 26/11 when the top two of Maharashtra quit very reluctantly.

But the man in the picture these days is none other than Chevalier de la Legion d'Honneur Elattuvallapil Sreedharan. The man is a 77 year old technocrat and project manager par excellence who has rightly been attributed the sobriquet 'Metro Man'. His meticulousness and quality consciousness is an example to all Civil engineers in India and abroad. This Delhi Metro Rail Corporation (DMRC) MD's inner conscience spoke out the day after the Pier Cap of Pier #67 of the Delhi Metro phase II crumbled (due to faulty design, in all likeliness!) killing six workers on 12th of July. The septuagenarian put in his papers within hours. He rightly said before announcing his resignation: "... even one death is one too many". It's a coincidence that this great man I quoted in my previous blog written over a week ago is in the news today.

But I'd still say that only optimists would hope that our Ministers will hence remember this gesture and do likewise in the future when a botch-up takes place in their area of responsibility . To expect a precedent as having been set by Dr. Sreedharan is wishful thinking.

By the looks of things, swords are already out for Gammon India - the contractors and the designers of the elevated structure of Delhi Metro - even before the enquiry committee's report is out. The company responsible for the landmark building of Mumbai - Gateway of India - is drawing flak from all corners. Gammon is being panned for supposedly failing to adhere to safety measures at the construction site. This is ironic, if true, as Gammon India claims to be the only construction company in India to be accredited with ISO 9001:2000 certification for all fields of Civil engineering. The media is justifying its stand against Gammon India by the fact that it was this same firm which was held responsible for the Punjagutta flyover collapse in Hyderabad in 2007 which killed two people. Gammon has also been vilified for ignoring cracks that construction workers had noticed in the pier a week ago before the incident. And that despite DMRC maintaining that no complaint mentioning the above was registered with them.

Overnight, without a degree or a diploma in Civil engineering or site experience, one finds media-men talking like structural engineers and project management experts on the Delhi Metro bridge. To pin-point the entire blame on the contractors would be jumping the gun. One fact which hasn't been highlighted is that DMRC carries out detailed safety checks on its contractors. Visits to check compliance by the contractors on safety measures ar even made by the great man himself! Thus, the blame for the accident and subsequent loss of lives also falls on the Client. One can presume that the experienced DMRC chief acknowledged and admitted this while stepping down.

It is therefore an incident which requires careful examination and better left to the experts in the enquiry committee appointed by DMRC. They could do without over-the-top sensationalisation by the media which might influence their findings and indict the wrong party.

BAnDra to WOR(SE)li

Mumbai's new "monument" has finally been commissioned. Our media has rightly exalted the Bandra-Worli Sea Link as 'Mumbai's new monument'. One news channel in particular played a collage of Mumbai's other landmarks - Gateway of India, Taj Hotel, CST, the BSE - before zooming in on the BWSL. The media has got it spot on!.. even if they might not be aware of it. Let me explain. Note that there are two essential requirements for any structure to classify as a monument. One, it has to be a stand-out, unique feature in the skyline of the city. And two, it has to be old. This project fulfills both criteria. The fact that it took almost a decade helps it in meeting, or even overtaking, the second criterion.

Spanning over 5 km in length and 10 years in delays, this "engineering marvel" cost over four times its original estimate! What's particularly frustrating is that India's longest sea-link was not built on a Concession model (PPP) but wholly paid through Govt. grants and market borrowings by the MSRDC. The fact that communist China built seven such bridges, one of which is 32 km long in the same period, doesn't seem to deter Mumbaikars (or our patriotic media) from pagan celebrations. We might be the only nation who gets carried away with the "flow" so much that we turn oblivious to the many embarrassments associated with this project. One after another, newspapers today carried eulogies on the project that dragged so painfully slow that it was once touted a 'white elephant'. There were full page articles and ads sponsored by companies involved in the project "thanking" MSRDC and patting each other on their backs.

Very little coverage was given to the blunders. The project, as environmentalists and urban planning experts have pointed out, will have adverse externalities and will probably defeat its traffic easing purpose. On the environment front, the exit of the Mithi will get slightly narrowed due to the bridge's piers, thus increasing chances of water level rising dangerously high in the river. Besides, since the flyovers at the Worli side, where the bridge descends, have not been constructed, one can expect major congestion at the Worli end. A fire-fighting measure being adopted is that the traffic dispersal at Worli will be changed. This is bound to cause confusion among motorists as some routes will be permitted only during certain hours. Bandra too will have its share of traffic snarls as mentioned in this article. Besides this, the impact on the Worli Koliwada fishermen will only be known in the coming years.

Today, after three frustrating postponements, our benevolent leaders have at long last obliged and descended from their upper echelons in Nayi Dilli to inaugurate the much hyped phase I of the Western Freeway Sea Link. That the State elections are only months away makes this ribbon-cutting rank fairly high in opportunism. Yesterday night, on the auspicious time (8.10 pm) a fireworks and laser show from the BWSL. This extravagant show itself cost Rs. 9 crore! Guess MSRDC thought that after being duped of 1650 crore already it might as well throw in a little more for the galleries. The project involves numerous CCTVs at frequent intervals along its stretch and in the Toll Plaza. This is yet another example of misplaced priorities given that hardly any of Toll Plazas in Mumbai's five entry points have this surveillance facility!

All said, nothing can however stop our junta from flooding Twitter or Orkut and Facebook communities with patriotic zeal. Shortcomings aside, we'd rather concentrate on such mediocre pleasures.

P.S: Here's an excerpt from an interview of E. Sreedharan (Delhi Metro) by Reuters on 3rd July, '09:

'Despite the Delhi metro's success, Sreedharan said India lags far behind Asia's other emerging economic giant, China, in fast implementation, often because of New Delhi's short-sighted planning, a lack of political will and government interference.

"That vision or determination that things should move fast, that's not available in our country,"...."Unfortunately what is happening is that everybody wants to control things. Nobody wants to take responsibility."

A "dressing down"

Has it happened to you? Ever shown up in an inappropriate dress or some attire that “elders” frown upon? Sure it hasn’t! It’s not necessary that embarrassments (E) I’ve had are run-of-the-mill types that strike commoners. See, everyone has the right to an encounter or two with Mr. E.  But single digits aside, I have already, dime-a-dozen rendezvous with dishonour in my life. But this one incident in particular took the cake, ate it and fed the crumbs to the friendly neighbourhood kuttas.

It was a Midsummer day’s dream reality when the mercury touched 36 deg. by noon on the auspicious occasion of Mahavir Jayanti , a holiday in college, and I had a Maha encounter with Morul Pulees! Although in this case the enforcers were not some Saffron-clad motley crew but my college Dean himself. This Pulees Sub-Inspector “caught” me in the “act” of wearing a knee length half pant in the college library. Jai Ho! Expecting a deserted campus, I nonchalantly put on my blue tee, my black shorts and landed in the library. That time there was yet another meeting (sic) taking place among the Director and the Faculty (remove the ‘c’) members of this great institute of mine (a.k.a The 8th IIM) in the same place. Sir Phani barged in to scan the book shelf for any latest issues of a monthly. But quickly realising my mis-step or -take, I mumbled “sorry sirs”, left that under- ventilated enclosure and sat in a classroom. I suspect that it was during my interruption that the Gurus caught a glimpse of my provocative, woolly calves for the first time. Moments later, the librarian called me for some work for which I came near the counter. It was that very moment that the Dean (not exactly Deen dayaalu) happened to pass by. A double take and a few seconds later, he called me into the office, mano-a-mano, and told me: “I know today is a holiday but when you come to the college you should NOT come in such casuals. In your home or wherever outside it’s fine but here you just can’t enter in casuals.” A few breaths later he ended with: “Please remember there are women here in the campus (my fav. line). Don’t repeat this.” I replied with a straight face: “I understand, sir. Sorry”. We then dispersed. Jai Ho!

The hit movie song from ‘John-hai-tu-ya-John-hai-na’ named after me started playing in my ears: “But Phani can’t expose saala!” Now in the aftermath of such a red-in-the-face moment, a typical reaction from any other bloke would have been: Old people, generation gap, etc, etc. But Phani, as you are already aware, is far from your daily urban bumpkin. A deeper analysis reveals a startling fact (startling to YOU, re-narration of a truism for me). That the prime trigger behind my Dean’s fervent appeal to me was the features of my legs, below the knees, were simply too attractive to be ignored. They were a hazard to anyone’s concentration. They could have served as a major distraction to unsuspecting ladies who were diligently surfing their Orkut and Facebook accounts or chatting up “old friends” using the college landlines. One only shudders to think the mass misdirection that would have ensued had the girls from my class and among the juniors turned out in full force. “Full force” might have been exactly what they would need to restrain themselves. Another possible cause of beguilement could be the envious boys who could have cast an envious eye on my legs. They would have a hard time holding back their ladies. Both of them might even start “pulling my legs”, one literally speaking, one figuratively.

This incident thus left me wiser. So far I was unmindful of my tempting twosome and took no notice of the hazards of my over gorgeousness. But no more! I took the sage advice and solemnly resolved that no more shall I leave my calves unattended especially in any place bustling with members of the opposite sex no matter how much the weather demands minimum clothing. The SI of the Morul Pulees did me a favour.

Joy Ho!

Yet another anti-media blog

Its that time of the year/month/fortnight or day when our country's top-notch sleuths (occasionally called TV News channels) switch on to Turbo mode. Barely hours after two sets of serial blasts having ripped through the non-metro cities - Bangalore and Ahmedabad, some groups like our media - the electronic one in particular, currency notes wavering association of India (politicians) and (in)security analysts have begun hopping around and doing what they usually do best in these times - move their lips incessantly!

Frustratingly, unbelievable amounts of time and effort goes into the Why, How and Who of the incidents. Does it really matter to the victims whether Gelatin sticks or RDX or Wrigley's bubble gum was used? Or even whether timers or cellphones were used as timers? Security analysts go berserk and flood each and every one-penny, two-penny media agency with the "motives" behind the blasts! Is it such rocket science that the common man can't figure out that the terrorists want to get people to start panicking and turn on one another? Does he need these intellectual scaremongers to tell him anything this obvious? In fact, all these possible stories floated by these analysts of the blasts might easily give terrorists ideas! But this only ONE of the many dissections done, mind you.

At a furious pace, the Toms, Dicks (pun intended) and Harrys in the media start rattling out girlish acronyms like HuJI, SIMI, LeT, JeM within seconds before you can say 'U-s-a-i-n B-o-l-t'. In record time, one is fed "never-before-heard" stories of how "sleeper cells" (an annoying oxymoron) of the LeT/HuJI have co-ordinated with local outfits and planned the whole thing. Journalists jump, infact leap, to conclusions on how the whole plan was hatched WAY before the investigating authorities conclude their findings. That itself (investigations), in our country, happens at such a break-neck speed.

Reports are in that Guiness is contemplating setting up camp in India to study how even the much veneered Scotland Yard has lagged our very own, thoroughbred Policemen in cracking these cases in minutes. And as a matter-of-factly, that same old, verbose, repetitive story is narrated of how the bombers attended training camps in one of our jobless Islamic neighbouring countries and then crossed over and carried out their sinister plans.

And for all this common knowledge, talkshows are organised and expert opinions are sought. TV Channels even exhort people to send them video footage they might have happened to capture at the scene of the incident. These kind of 'Citizen Journalist' campaigns irk me no end. Are they implying that citizens start using their cellphone cameras and zoom in on people bleeding on the streets instead of lending them a helping hand? Footage of the blasts, if captured, ought to be handed over to the Police and no one else. Worse in the middle are the men of straw in our legislature.- babbling hackneyed rhetoric of and yielding no breakthroughs.

Simple question: Would the media would not be better off pressurizing politicians to take action with the same gusto like they (the media) showed in the Jessica Lal case? Isn't it high time we saw tangible results like implementation of stricter laws, improving co-ordination among police and giving them more teeth?

India has "arrived", guys!

You read right!

See, India has truly "arrived" on the world stage, everybody. We are going.. in fact, almost have gone, "global". We have embraced, if not molested, western culture hook line and sinker with the unanimous consent of our populous - something our efficient and neutral media does within a second, at will to make bloody accurate generalizations.

By truly entrenching the ideals of democracy where the masses - urban/western youth - that makes for 90% of our strength and blowing hot and cold over every perceived encroachment on "freedom-of-speech", our "nationalists" have ignenuously "opened" up our country and her god-damned culture, which dates back to as recently as 350 BC, to the outsiders. Our right to express ourselves albeit at the cost of suppressing others' views has given a unique turn to the whole idea of free-thinking.

The country's leading "liberal" foot soldiers have kicked the conservatives' (let me use the infrequent alternative - 'moral police') behinds for their totally unprovoked objection to foreigners movin' to music, as a means to cheer up a crowd.

Why not ban item numbers in our movies?, they ask.

Why not discipline the men who jeer at the cheerleaders? they fume.

First, let's look at the very need of some bunch of dancers by the boundary ropes. They're meant to egg on the crowds, to cheer them up and get them on their feet. Right? But the point here is, do Indian crowds, who are already Cricket-mad, need anything more than watching their idols live to get them excited? No, methinks! Maybe in other countries, where the crowds are somewhat somber, having cheerleaders would have clicked and made sense.

Conclusion: cheerleaders are futile.

Now as for the obvious questions thrown. The liberals "accidentally" forget the fact that movies are certified 'A' or 'U' or 'U/A' depending the amount of "explicit" content they contain. They contain a certain message hinting what the content is about unlike Cricket, or any other sport. So, does that mean Cricket matches should also be displaying some 'warning' or some sort at their gates? No, but since time immemorial, movies are known to contain displays of affection and this trend has now evolved into more and more show of flesh. It is but a natural progression. The viewers know what to expect sometime in the middle of the movie. Also, their is a certain element of creativity which can be exploited through nudity. Again, Bollywood movies are also not watched by as many people in the country as compared to Cricket, definitely not the "bold" flicks. And for that, I don't need to do no survey, I'm sure of it.

But Cricket? when was this 'Gentleman's game' or any non-American sport ever known to the commoners to be a place where one gets to watch skimpily-clad blondes strut their behinds like they're in some pub in the middle of their Spring break? Common-sense, something that goes flying out of the window whenever the "moral police" blares its horn, says citizens of our country would find this uncomfortable and parents would get jitters letting their young children watch white trash. And I don't even need to explain that. Then why is the "grown up", higher-middle class intelligentsia ramming its' Chalta-hai attitude down the whole country's throat? Not one to miss out on whipping up some drama, the media men pass verdicts and denounce the ministers for turning Maharashtra into an "intolerant state". The same old 'Don't they have better issues to be bothered about?' counter comes out of their creative minds. This very same counter came up when names of cities are changed which the liberals are, you guessed it, opposed to as it degrades the city's "brand value"?

As for catching the men who misbehave, that is a no-compromise and should be dealt with harshly. But this is, sadly, a fact in a country like ours. Resolving it won't happen overnight and we have to accept that. Isn't it as simple as a make-shift solution that some venues ought to be free from any provocation to the Indian male? And given the nationalities of the cheerleaders and the subsequent jeering reportedly done by some men in the stadias, aren't we aggravating our damaged reputation of shameful incidents towards foreigners?