Times when Indians act a little too smart for comfort

We Indians have a knack of coming up with wise-cracks so often. But sometimes...we need to be a little creative, right ? Some corny, cheesy lines we tend to over-do. Here they are...

Whenever you ask them if they have learnt a certain foreign language, say after living somewhere out of town, they say "Little, little" in that language and then giggle about it like it's the first freakin time we've heard this. E.g
Y: Hey X, how much Tamil have you learnt huh?
X: Konjum Konjum, hehehe (and then bares his teeth, acting cute)

When asked about how they were in class during their school days, they shamelessly babble the "seldom" repeated: "I was an out-standing student in my class. Meaning I always used to stand outside the class as punishment from my teacher." And you start to think that the teacher was being a little light on the bastard!

You buy a shirt or a pair of shoes you really liked from a small shop or a mall, whatever. On seeing that, Mr. Smart Ass (hereafter referred to, quite derogatorily as MSA) asks you the price you paid for the shoes. You say "1200 Rs." He immediately bursts out into a silly mocking laugh "Hehehehee" and tells you, pretty loudly, that he (or his equally deranged friend) bought a similar pair for Rs. 500, whatever. "Ek baar pooch toh liya hota na?", MSA says quite matter-of-factly. And if you don't react like he wanted you to or you just give him a 'OK, whatever' face then he carries on and on till you're forced to say "OK fine, next time, I'll ask you when I go out." Finally he spares you with a parting "1200 Rs., ha ha!"

*A to B: Exams are around the corner.
B to A: Well buddy hope you are studying hard OR are you hardly studying?
*(Contributed by Aditya Srinivaasan)

More to come, guys, more to come...

The Bull Billion

"...carrying the hopes of a billion people..."
"...of a billion dreams... "
"...the Blue billion... "
"...comprising one-sixth of humanity... "
"...billion pigtails... "
"...billion no-gooders..."

"...billion blah-blah-blahs..."

Now when did you last come across such a dreary phrase? Chances are, I bet, yesterday/today or the last minute! Lines like these have caught our e-media’s fancy ad infinitum ever since we crossed 100 crore in 2000. The phrases are used indiscriminately for exaggerating the burden on any one of our always-flattering-to-deceive national sport teams on the eve of “battle” (like, say, the Cricket team before embarking on their tour of Australia or before the final of the T20 World Cup final). The intent here is to create an illusory hope or “weight” in the minds of the people of the occasion.

Besides being statistically inaccurate, the phrase is also monotonous and a hyperbole. I utterly despise it as it is plain hogwash simply because not everyone is concerned whether the sports team raked in the moolah in the World Cup or sent its arch rival packing. Surprisingly, having 20% of us below poverty line and the same percentage illiterate never deters morons from using such phrases. Is being a billion-strong something to be proud of, given how the people in our country fail to get two sqaure meals a day? If the phrase is to be understood in detail, it goes to say that the entire population, including infants, the hospitalized (unconscious), the ones who do not follow the sport at all and the largest group of our nation - the ignorant, are all automatically included in the category of I-really-hope-our-team-wins-coz-that-gets-food-into-my-mouth.

The gullible (a.k.a the masses) are easily influenced by such instigation and skip work, college, school and lose out on “really” contributing to the country in order to watch the match. One day of productive labour is lost or reduced, which counts; given how frivolous instances like sentences in film songs force bandhs so often. Raising the expectations to such levels often results in violent and foul reactions from the people whenever, say the Cricket team, fails miserably as if the team really let us down and sunk our national pride. As you see, in our cricket-mad country, you have nobodies burning effigies, posters, shouting slogans and coming out on the streets at the drop of a hat. Add to that our over-efficient media who covers each one of those nobodies in the name of 'breaking news' - which has to be taken literally in such cases. Frustrated mobs begin to think that we are finished as a nation and there's no pride in being Indian anymore.

So the nex ttime you read such 'bullion', ignore it like it were a ciggarette stub or paan stain on the footpath.

Benazir’s assassination+The curious case of two neigbours

It was around 6 in the evening that I first watched the breaking news about the bomb blast killing over 25 at Benazir’s election rally speech in Rawalpindi. After following it for some time, I briskly browsed through all the news channels which were more or less reporting the same details on that suicide bomb attack. But it was when I switched to BBC; I read the flash news about Benazir being in critical condition in a hospital in ‘Pindi. Seconds later, on Headlines Today, I first read that she has been declared dead. Needless to say, the news channels went into a tizzy. Reportedly, she had been killed by two armed militants who opened fire at her car at 6.46. It’s true why they say ‘History repeats itself’ - Liaqat Khan – Pak’s first PM was assassinated at the same place decades ago as Benazir was today – ‘Pindi.

Asma Jehangir’s was sobbing while talking to NDTV 24X7 about the incident. Her hatred for the Pak army and Musharraf in particular was quite evident. The mood in Pak – my guess – is also. At the same time she was in mourning the loss of one of “Pak’s hope”. Almost all our leaders expressed the usual ‘shock’, ‘condemnable’ and ‘cowardly act’ on the fatal attack. The sympathy and sorrow expressed is a little over-the-top in my opinion. Next thing you know, our govt. may even declare a day or two of mourning and our flags held at half mast. As my friend Jimmy rightly pointed out, Benazir is no Mother Teresa to be mourned over so much. It was during her first tenure that Punjab (Pak) based Sikh militants spread their tentacles across the border and backed the Indian separatists during the Khalistan movement. J&K too witnessed mass infiltration of Mujahideen from across the LoC. Her turning a blind eye to the Pak army and ISI backed terrorist infrastructure in the valley is but obvious.

As expected the newspapers came out screaming out

CNN-IBN has really gotten on my nerves by it's 'Light a candle' campaign for Benazir

The incident now is a freaky coincidence, given the fact that Indira and Rajiv and Zulfikar Ali and Benazir – the two most famous and popular parent and child duos of the two countries met their ends on the same way in almost identical events. The storming of the Lal Masjid earlier this year was also de ja vu to Indians following the episode as something similar had taken place in ’84 when Operation Bluestar was carried out in the Golden Temple. WAIT!! But it doesn’t stop there. Musharraf’s PCO in November was supposedly to “wipe out” extremism and remove any “interference” by the judiciary. Indira Gandhi had also imposed the same in ’75 to root out corruption and lawlessness. But the popular belief on the both side during their respective emergencies was that the leaders had done so only to save their skins and remain in power. The scenes witnessed in both countries during the “emergency” times were also similar.

P.S: In case you're wondering if this is a rip off from some news article, I wrote this on the 27th but I have posted it now because I could not access the internet till today

Stay (Faraway, so close)

Green line, Seven Eleven
You stop in
For a pack of cigarettes
You don't smoke
Don't even want to
And now check you change
Dressed up like a car crash
The wheels are turning
But you're upside down
You say when he hits you
You don't mind
Because when he hurts you
You feel alive
Is that what it is?

Red light, grey morning
You stumble
Out of a hole in the ground
A vampire or a victim
It depends on who's around
You used to stay in
To watch the adverts
You could lip synch
To the talk shows
And if you look
You look through me
And when you talk
It's not to me
And when I touch you
You don't feel a thing

If I could stay
Then the night would give you up
Stay
Then the day would keep its trust
Stay and the night would be enough
Faraway, so close
Up with the static and the radio
With satellite television
You can go anywhere
Miami, New Orleans
London, Belfast and Berlin
And if you listen
I can't call
And if you jump
You just might fall
And if you shout
I'll only hear you


If I could stay
Then the night would give you up
Stay
Then the day would keep its trust
Stay
With the demons you drowned
Stay
With the spirits I found
Stay
And the night would be enough

Three o'clock in the morning
It's quiet and there's no one around
Just the bang and the clatter
As an angel runs to ground
Just the bang and the clatter
As an angel hits to ground

You've got mail PMji

Kind attn : This post appeared verbatim in TheTimes Of India's Bangalore edition on 8th Dec 2007 on the edit page as one of the letters to the editor on pg. 22. 'The letter is titled PM has better things to do' although I emailed it with the same title as this blog.

Click here http://epaper.timesofindia.com to read my letter in the e-paper

With Anil Ambani and Mayawati both "dashing out" letters to the Prime Minister at the drop of a hat, one wonders if they feel the PM has nothing else to do all day but read their grievances. Agreed, the PMO's address is public information but such "dashes" from the influential (Anil has written three in 2 weeks) seem more like a show of power that they know people in high places than anything. Do they expect the PM to sit and kill competition or ban a Bollywood flick? If such trivial issues are brought to the PM's notice then we all might as well start writing about the daily commuting troubles we face.

Yet another blog on Sanjay Dutt's bail (re-worked)

News on Sanjay Dutt being granted bail was oh-so coming. My suspicion is that the SC might have taken public sympathy, pleading from INC president for her party MP's sibling, Sanjay's good behaviour, charity work (probation), possible losses to the film industry into account while letting him go - for the moment.

I'm no legal eagle but on the face of it, the bail seems to be undeserving especially given the fact that he didn't even spend 2 years behind bars.

To me, the initial verdict seemed fair as it was an educative one and one that served as a warning to the public that one's status in society is immaterial when one has committed a crime. He was earlier given bail on grounds I don't know why but him having contacts with anti-nationals and that too during 'riot season' was reason enough to me for him to be sweating it out in jail.

His sentence given earlier this year too seemed fair - although it's severity seemed a tad harsh or atleast that was what the media thought. Solidarity shown by fellow actors and the film industry made me sick.

Interesting how the media widely covered his every trip to orphanages, trusts and temples while he awaited his sentence earlier this year. To me, Sanjay was running pillar to post to increase his Karma points in the public eye. Maybe he was attempting an image make-over. Come to think of it, his role as Munnabhai in the blockbuster movie also seemed like a step in that direction.

On this bail though, the CBI, whether under influence or not I don't know, said that it is not going to oppose bail petitions of those who were not a part of the "main conspiracy". With nobody contesting the bail, the possibility beckons that it may extend indefinitely. Basically, it's more or less concievable that it will be the last time Sanjay will ever be behind bars, at least relating to this incident which is disappointing since the case ran for almost 15 years and frustrated many including the city police, the Dutt family and the other co-accused who were sentenced along with Sanjay only for SC to set aside a lower court's sentence.

This anti-climactic sympathy was never coming. The very purpose of setting up ad-hoc courts for speedy trials is defeated and especially that which was deliberated over for almost a decade and a half.

I'd like to know what you guys think about this.

Tailpiece: I was amused on reading this line that appeared in Rediff - "The news of Sanjay Dutt's release on bail has come as a relief to producers of 'Mr Fraud', 'Kidnap'.." The titles of the movies made for a good laugh

Lo(w) main aagayaaa!

Lo and behold!

The winner of hurts, the ultimate in dim-wit humour, connoisseur of merriment, the (be)little master, the champion of the qwerty keyboard, the maverick writer, the un-shaven always-a-light-bearded dude who’s ongoing mission in life remains to “boldly go where no (wise) man has gone before >>> the barber”, the occasional janitor of his bathroom and the stuff dreams (the clean, dry ones) are made of, and lastly, the undisputed Bad-Shah of over-indulgence when it comes to using commas, quotes and parentheses to form long and reader un-friendly sentences is back to the un-real world of blogging hook line and sinker.

I thought it's high time I got back at.. err.. I mean got back 'to' all my readers who have stood by me through thick, thin and crap. My email has been flooded with requests for a new blog (I've made the above line bold so that you don't miss it.. afterall - IQ 150 hai bhai!!). Some have been really restrained in expressing their longing for new wisdom from yours truly. Readers, loyal and otherwise, are all puzzled by my conspicuous and high-profile absence. After reluctantly giving in to their pitiful pleading, I have decided to reveal the reasons for my long hiatus.

See, I have my plate full of heavy-dooty subjects like ‘Accounting’, ‘Marketing’, ‘Computer Applications’, ‘Economy’… where you’re given a free hand and a sudden divine right to act like you're in jargon-land where people frown at you when you indulge in loose, un-specific Gujju, Dalal street lingo like 'arre apro Mookes Omboni duniyo ne sabse omeer odmi ban gaya hai ne?’ instead of ‘Mukesh Ambani becomes the world’s richest man in terms of Market Capitalization! But if you want to sound atleast a little cool and veteran-ish with capital market terminologies, you should say market ‘cap’. (Hmph! In which other blogs will you get to read such not-so-obvious gyaan, huh? Bolo, bolo!) We are also taught computer application, statistics (which I am too keen on getting under after hearing that evergreen Sidhuism: 'Statistics are like a girls' skirt, they hide more than they reveal') and the last subject being ‘Organised crime’.. (again purposely commits a mistake so that he can use his favourite word >> ‘err’).. I mean ‘Organized Behaviour’ le! ('le' is, bytheway, a Kannada word for 're' in Marathi/Mumbaiyya, whatever. I've begun using it indiscriminately as if I was born in interior Belgavi and have been living in namma Bengaluru since the day I began thinking cool, which, needless to say was a long time ago). And since we have begun talking about Kannada, which I was going to come to sooner or later.. this being nanna blog afterall, I can proudly trumpet that I have working knowledge of it (working as in..it seems to be). Proper, methodical and unwavering guidance by my Kannada-speaking friends has resulted in me shamelessly enlightening simple, ignorant Kannadigas of the sheer magic of the plethora of abuses they are missing out on in their mother-tongue.

While I carry on with my mission, thou shall satiate thyself by intensely reading this blog over and over again till thou heart's content.

Till next timeth, I wish thee farewell.