Saturday, July 26

Yet another anti-media blog

Its that time of the year/month/fortnight or day when our country's top-notch sleuths (occasionally called TV News channels) switch on to Turbo mode. Barely hours after two sets of serial blasts having ripped through the non-metro cities - Bangalore and Ahmedabad, some groups like our media - the electronic one in particular, currency notes wavering association of India (politicians) and (in)security analysts have begun hopping around and doing what they usually do best in these times - move their lips incessantly!

Frustratingly, unbelievable amounts of time and effort goes into the Why, How and Who of the incidents. Does it really matter to the victims whether Gelatin sticks or RDX or Wrigley's bubble gum was used? Or even whether timers or cellphones were used as timers? Security analysts go berserk and flood each and every one-penny, two-penny media agency with the "motives" behind the blasts! Is it such rocket science that the common man can't figure out that the terrorists want to get people to start panicking and turn on one another? Does he need these intellectual scaremongers to tell him anything this obvious? In fact, all these possible stories floated by these analysts of the blasts might easily give terrorists ideas! But this only ONE of the many dissections done, mind you.

At a furious pace, the Toms, Dicks (pun intended) and Harrys in the media start rattling out girlish acronyms like HuJI, SIMI, LeT, JeM within seconds before you can say 'U-s-a-i-n B-o-l-t'. In record time, one is fed "never-before-heard" stories of how "sleeper cells" (an annoying oxymoron) of the LeT/HuJI have co-ordinated with local outfits and planned the whole thing. Journalists jump, infact leap, to conclusions on how the whole plan was hatched WAY before the investigating authorities conclude their findings. That itself (investigations), in our country, happens at such a break-neck speed.

Reports are in that Guiness is contemplating setting up camp in India to study how even the much veneered Scotland Yard has lagged our very own, thoroughbred Policemen in cracking these cases in minutes. And as a matter-of-factly, that same old, verbose, repetitive story is narrated of how the bombers attended training camps in one of our jobless Islamic neighbouring countries and then crossed over and carried out their sinister plans.

And for all this common knowledge, talkshows are organised and expert opinions are sought. TV Channels even exhort people to send them video footage they might have happened to capture at the scene of the incident. These kind of 'Citizen Journalist' campaigns irk me no end. Are they implying that citizens start using their cellphone cameras and zoom in on people bleeding on the streets instead of lending them a helping hand? Footage of the blasts, if captured, ought to be handed over to the Police and no one else. Worse in the middle are the men of straw in our legislature.- babbling hackneyed rhetoric of and yielding no breakthroughs.

Simple question: Would the media would not be better off pressurizing politicians to take action with the same gusto like they (the media) showed in the Jessica Lal case? Isn't it high time we saw tangible results like implementation of stricter laws, improving co-ordination among police and giving them more teeth?




Monday, April 28

India has "arrived", guys!

You read right!

See, India has truly "arrived" on the world stage, everybody. We are going.. in fact, almost have gone, "global". We have embraced, if not molested, western culture hook line and sinker with the unanimous consent of our populous - something our efficient and neutral media does within a second, at will to make bloody accurate generalizations.

By truly entrenching the ideals of democracy where the masses - urban/western youth - that makes for 90% of our strength and blowing hot and cold over every perceived encroachment on "freedom-of-speech", our "nationalists" have ignenuously "opened" up our country and her god-damned culture, which dates back to as recently as 350 BC, to the outsiders. Our right to express ourselves albeit at the cost of suppressing others' views has given a unique turn to the whole idea of free-thinking.

The country's leading "liberal" foot soldiers have kicked the conservatives' (let me use the infrequent alternative - 'moral police') behinds for their totally unprovoked objection to foreigners movin' to music, as a means to cheer up a crowd.

Why not ban item numbers in our movies?, they ask.

Why not discipline the men who jeer at the cheerleaders? they fume.

First, let's look at the very need of some bunch of dancers by the boundary ropes. They're meant to egg on the crowds, to cheer them up and get them on their feet. Right? But the point here is, do Indian crowds, who are already Cricket-mad, need anything more than watching their idols live to get them excited? No, methinks! Maybe in other countries, where the crowds are somewhat somber, having cheerleaders would have clicked and made sense.

Conclusion: cheerleaders are futile.

Now as for the obvious questions thrown. The liberals "accidentally" forget the fact that movies are certified 'A' or 'U' or 'U/A' depending the amount of "explicit" content they contain. They contain a certain message hinting what the content is about unlike Cricket, or any other sport. So, does that mean Cricket matches should also be displaying some 'warning' or some sort at their gates? No, but since time immemorial, movies are known to contain displays of affection and this trend has now evolved into more and more show of flesh. It is but a natural progression. The viewers know what to expect sometime in the middle of the movie. Also, their is a certain element of creativity which can be exploited through nudity. Again, Bollywood movies are also not watched by as many people in the country as compared to Cricket, definitely not the "bold" flicks. And for that, I don't need to do no survey, I'm sure of it.

But Cricket? when was this 'Gentleman's game' or any non-American sport ever known to the commoners to be a place where one gets to watch skimpily-clad blondes strut their behinds like they're in some pub in the middle of their Spring break? Common-sense, something that goes flying out of the window whenever the "moral police" blares its horn, says citizens of our country would find this uncomfortable and parents would get jitters letting their young children watch white trash. And I don't even need to explain that. Then why is the "grown up", higher-middle class intelligentsia ramming its' Chalta-hai attitude down the whole country's throat? Not one to miss out on whipping up some drama, the media men pass verdicts and denounce the ministers for turning Maharashtra into an "intolerant state". The same old 'Don't they have better issues to be bothered about?' counter comes out of their creative minds. This very same counter came up when names of cities are changed which the liberals are, you guessed it, opposed to as it degrades the city's "brand value"?

As for catching the men who misbehave, that is a no-compromise and should be dealt with harshly. But this is, sadly, a fact in a country like ours. Resolving it won't happen overnight and we have to accept that. Isn't it as simple as a make-shift solution that some venues ought to be free from any provocation to the Indian male? And given the nationalities of the cheerleaders and the subsequent jeering reportedly done by some men in the stadias, aren't we aggravating our damaged reputation of shameful incidents towards foreigners?

Monday, March 31

Times when Indians act a little too smart for comfort


We Indians have a knack of coming up with wise-cracks so often. But sometimes...we need to be a little creative, right ? Some corny, cheesy lines we tend to over-do. Here they are...

Whenever you ask them if they have learnt a certain foreign language, say after living somewhere out of town, they say "Little, little" in that language and then giggle about it like it's the first freakin time we've heard this. E.g
Y: Hey X, how much Tamil have you learnt huh?
X: Konjum Konjum, hehehe (and then bares his teeth, acting cute)

When asked about how they were in class during their school days, they shamelessly babble the "seldom" repeated: "I was an out-standing student in my class. Meaning I always used to stand outside the class as punishment from my teacher." And you start to think that the teacher was being a little light on the bastard!

You buy a shirt or a pair of shoes you really liked from a small shop or a mall, whatever. On seeing that, Mr. Smart Ass (hereafter referred to, quite derogatorily as MSA) asks you the price you paid for the shoes. You say "1200 Rs." He immediately bursts out into a silly mocking laugh "Hehehehee" and tells you, pretty loudly, that he (or his equally deranged friend) bought a similar pair for Rs. 500, whatever. "Ek baar pooch toh liya hota na?", MSA says quite matter-of-factly. And if you don't react like he wanted you to or you just give him a 'OK, whatever' face then he carries on and on till you're forced to say "OK fine, next time, I'll ask you when I go out." Finally he spares you with a parting "1200 Rs., ha ha!"

*A to B: Exams are around the corner.
B to A: Well buddy hope you are studying hard OR are you hardly studying?
*(Contributed by Aditya Srinivaasan)

More to come, guys, more to come...

Sunday, January 13

The Bull Billion

"...carrying the hopes of a billion people..."
"...of a billion dreams... "
"...the Blue billion... "
"...comprising one-sixth of humanity... "
"...billion pigtails... "
"...billion no-gooders..."
"...billion blah-blah-blahs..."

Now when did you last come across such a dreary phrase? Chances are, I bet, yesterday/today or the last minute! Lines like these have caught our e-media’s fancy ad infinitum ever since we crossed 100 crore in 2000. The phrases are used indiscriminately for exaggerating the burden on any one of our always-flattering-to-deceive national sport teams on the eve of “battle” (like, say, the Cricket team before embarking on their tour of Australia or before the final of the T20 World Cup final). The intent here is to create an illusory hope or “weight” in the minds of the people of the occasion.

Besides being statistically inaccurate, the phrase is also monotonous and a hyperbole. I utterly despise it as it is plain hogwash simply because not everyone is concerned whether the sports team raked in the moolah in the World Cup or sent its arch rival packing. Surprisingly, having 20% of us below poverty line and the same percentage illiterate never deters morons from using such phrases. Is being a billion-strong something to be proud of, given how the people in our country fail to get two sqaure meals a day? If the phrase is to be understood in detail, it goes to say that the entire population, including infants, the hospitalized (unconscious), the ones who do not follow the sport at all and the largest group of our nation - the ignorant, are all automatically included in the category of I-really-hope-our-team-wins-coz-that-gets-food-into-my-mouth.

The gullible (a.k.a the masses) are easily influenced by such instigation and skip work, college, school and lose out on “really” contributing to the country in order to watch the match. One day of productive labour is lost or reduced, which counts; given how frivolous instances like sentences in film songs force bandhs so often. Raising the expectations to such levels often results in violent and foul reactions from the people whenever, say the Cricket team, fails miserably as if the team really let us down and sunk our national pride. As you see, in our cricket-mad country, you have nobodies burning effigies, posters, shouting slogans and coming out on the streets at the drop of a hat. Add to that our over-efficient media who covers each one of those nobodies in the name of 'breaking news' - which has to be taken literally in such cases. Frustrated mobs begin to think that we are finished as a nation and there's no pride in being Indian anymore.

So the nex ttime you read such 'bullion', ignore it like it were a ciggarette stub or paan stain on the footpath.